


payapa sa yakap ng iyong hiwaga

by slytherbyun



Series: mahiwaga, mahal [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Songfic, Weddings
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23117149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherbyun/pseuds/slytherbyun
Summary: ang sabi nila, you get multiple chances at love.ang swerte ko lang, dahil all those chances were with you.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: mahiwaga, mahal [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875070
Comments: 15
Kudos: 27





	payapa sa yakap ng iyong hiwaga

**Author's Note:**

> For Bev, Kimchi, Yana, and everyone else who waited for this.
> 
> Inspired by Ben&Ben's Araw-Araw.
> 
> Was not proofread, please expect typos.

Ang sabi nila, you get multiple chances at love.

Pwedeng siya yung batang kalaro mo sa park. Ang batang tahimik na pinagmamasdan lang ang paligid, natutuwa sa mga iba pang mga batang naglalaro. Ang kulit nga eh, natatawa lang sa gilid habang nagtutulakan ang ibang mga bata. Paunahan daw sila sa slide o kaya'y naglalaro ng piko sa may stage habang mainit pa.

It was at that park where I saw who I consider to be my first love.

_ Dose kaming nakita mo! Sino sa amin 'yon, kuya? _

_ Ikaw kuya, akala namin si kuya Han lang… _

_ Ang iingay niyo! _

Han, doon kita unang nakita.

Anong akala niyo? Kayo?

_ Sakit mo magsalita, kuya Shua ha. _

Nagbabakasyon kami. Sa US pa kami nakatira noon tapos every summer lang umuuwi. Naalala mong nag-away kami ni Mama kasi may nabasag ako? I remember going out of the house because I felt really bad and embarrassed.

I remember sitting beside you on the park bench. You looked like a proud parent watching your kids play outside for the first time. Eventually those kids would become my friends too, but more on that later na lang.

"Bakit mag-isa ka?" bungad mo. I was surprised that you suddenly started talking to me. Akala ko tahimik ka lang dyan sa gilid, pero even back then, there was really something about you that made me tear up when you asked me why I was alone.

Bigla mo akong niyakap kasi humahagulgol na talaga ako. Lumapit din sakto si Jihoon, tinanong ako kung gusto ko ba sumali sa laro. Kulang na lang ata ipagtulakan mo ako para sumali sa nabubuong laro ng patintero.

Ayaw ko sumali.

Pero sumali ka bigla, eh. Sali din ako para masaya.

_ Grabe kahit noong bata pa, marupok na! _

_ Aray, Ji! _

Pasensya na po sa lahat ng bisita, ganito lang po talaga mga kaibigan namin. Nakakahiya talaga. I'm so sorry.

_ Kuya Shua naman! _

Where was I?

Oh. Right. Jihoon asking me to join the game.

So I joined the game. I met eleven other kids who eventually became the best friends I never thought I would have. Maghapon naghabulan, naglaro, nagkakilanlan. I have always treasured that memory because twelve other people took me in when I was just a child who didn't even live there. They saw me for the first time, but even just spending two hours with them, iba ang naging pakiramdam ko. I felt welcomed.

At nagsimula ito dahil sa'yo, Han. Dahil sa'yo.

~•~•~•~•~•~

Pwede rin siya yung unang nakausap mo sa first day of school. Pag transferee, usually walang friends. O kaya paglipat from section 2 to section 1, ibang crowd na talaga kasama mo. Sometimes it's that first person who makes the first move. It's that first person who acknowledges your existence as you disturb their sense of normal by being the new one in the system.

Who would have thought, Han?

Ikaw ulit 'yon.

High school, 1st year. I remember moving here from LA to spend time with my grandmother because she was sick. She had no other family but us, so we moved back for her. I had no complaints because I love Nana. It doesn't mean to say that moving here wasn't hard. I had to adjust again to a new environment because we were planning on staying here permanently. Pero syempre joke lang din 'yon kasi life's one big surprise. Pero enough about that.

Pagpasok ko ng classroom, wala akong kilala. Tinititigan ako ng mga kaklase natin kasi bagong mukha. I had no energy to make friends that day because I was already nervous as it was. I remember seating sa dulo, near the window, sa last row. I wanted to be alone. Gusto ko rin ng window seat. So naturally, doon ako pumwesto.

May kumalabit sakin. Medyo soft pa nga, mukhang nahihiya magtanong eh.

Oo, ikaw 'yon. Bakit ka nahihiya? Cute mo kaya no'n.

"Have we met before?" tanong mo sa'kin. Unfortunately, hindi kita mamukhaan, kaya umiling ako. Pero thank you talaga Han, dahil hindi ka nagpatinag.

"Nakalaro kita before!" sigaw mo. Hiyang-hiya na ako kasi hindi ko talaga alam kung ano pinagsasasabi mo. Tinitignan na tayo ng mga kaklase natin, ready na nga ata ako sapakin ni Seungcheol at that very moment.

Pero hindi ko maalala noong time na 'yon na it was you.

"'Di bale," sabi mo. "Baka hindi mo na nga talaga ako naaalala, Joshuji."

Tsaka lang nagclick sa utak ko. "Hannie?"

Ang laki ng ngiting naipamalas mo nang banggitin ko pangalan mo. Parang nakahanap ka ng nawawalang tuta, Han. Oo! Ganun kalaki! Tanungin mo pa si Cheol.

_ Jeonghan, totoo. Wag ka na magdeny. _

It was fate's way of making my life less miserable than I perceived it to be, I guess. She gave me you, Han. For the second time. Kasi sino bang mag-aakala na makakasama mo sa parehas na section ang batang pinakalma ka after mapagalitan?

Opo, Mama, mahal pa rin naman kita. Please don't be mad. Yes ma, hindi naman ako nasaktan.

_ Tita mama nagkajowa siya dahil doon! _

_ Sabing tahimik, Soonyoung! _

Ang iingay niyo.

So ayun, nameet kita for the second time, at ang saya kasi hindi ko talaga inakala na makikita kita ulit pagkatapos ng ilang taon. Funny, 'di ba? I don't know how or why Fate works the way it does, but who am I to question it when it's you it led me to?

_ Grabe, English 'yon! _

_ Seokmin, konti na lang talaga, hihilain na kita papalabas. _

From that day on, we really stuck together na. Hindi mapaghiwalay. Tignan mo oh, hanggang ngayon, tayo pa rin.

_ Kinilig ang gago. _

~•~•~•~•~•~

Sometimes it's your best friend. It's that one person who knows you better than you know yourself. The one who can easily read your emotions before they even surface. The one who knows you hate vegetables so they remove it right away. The one who can sense when something's changed.

All my four years in high school, you were my best friend. Well, kayo ni Cheol, pero alam naman nilang lahat na iba yung pagkakaibigan nating dalawa. I trusted you more than anyone else. I opened up to you more than anyone else. You practically know me better than anyone else. Ikaw talaga 'yon, Han. O, wag kang iiyak d'yan, iiyak din ako!

Ikaw rin unang nakaalam ng nararamdaman ko.

Nakatambay tayo sa may mga tables malapit sa gym. Malapit na magdismissal no'n. Hinihintay na lang natin yung ibang mga kaibigan natin na matapos sa club. Swinerte tayo na walang meeting mga club natin, kaya we ended up just lounging around before we go home with the rest of them.

Naalala mo ba how it happened?

_ Oo naman, how can I forget? _

Nakaupo lang tayo, nag-uusap kung may mga backlogs ba tayo sa modules natin. January 'yon. Alam mo naman, medyo nagmamadali na lahat. Binansagan natin na ang simula ng school year ay January, pero nakakagulat kasi marami naman na tayong nagawa. Malapit na tayong ma-clear sa subjects, actually.

"Nasstress ako sa AP," sabi mo. "Nameet ko naman target pero ang hirap umusad."

"Mas hirap ako sa Filipino," sagot ko.

Naalala kong binatukan mo pa ako, gigil na gigil ka. Nangasar ka pa nga eh. "Natural, hindi mo first language," sabi mo. Hindi ko na nga naisip yung sakit sa paghampas mo kasi sa totoo lang, kinilig ako.

Opo, I'm that fragile.

Natahimik ako, pinagmamasdan lang yung ibang high school students na wala ring club na naglalaro sa may field. Parang kahit ang gulo sa paligid, dama ko pa rin na ang kapayapaan sa loob ng dibdib ko. It felt like everything was how it should be. I felt at peace.

I remember you looking at me like I grew two heads. "Okay ka lang ba?" pasimple mong tanong. I merely nodded, suddenly becoming lost in the idea of you and I ever becoming more than you and I.

Oo, you and I na agad. Kasi 2nd year pa lang, crush na kita. Hey, why do you look surprised?

_ Paano ba naman, crush ka niya since 1st year! _

_ Ingay ingay talaga kahit kelan, Seokmin! Tapalan ko yang bibig mo. _

_ Etong si kuya hilig manlaglag. Kuya Seungkwan, lapit mo dito si kuya. _

Thanks, Chan. Takpan mo lang ng tissue bibig ni Seokmin.

So ayun, where was I? Ah, 2nd year pa lang, crush kita. Kaso ikaw, may boyfriend ka that time. Nagkagirlfriend ka pa around 3rd year. I decided against pursuing the feelings na lang kasi I honestly thought nothing's ever gonna happen between us. So wala, lost in my head nanaman ako.

_ Bakit ang cute mo kiligin, Josh? _

Tama na, wag mo na ako asarin Han, please.

So magkatabi lang kami. Kilig na kilig nanaman ako. Opo, ganun po ako karupok.

"Ano iniisip mo?" tanong mo sakin.

"Ikaw."

Natulala tayong dalawa dahil hindi ko rin alam where that came from. Tinatry ko mag-isip ng palusot kaso hindi ko rin alam what to say. I wanted to say something smooth na "Ikaw...ano ba iniisip mo?" or something along those lines, but when it comes to you, Han, words fail me.

Dahil dyan, walang kumibo for a minute.

Naawa ka ata sa'kin kasi ikaw ang nagbasag ng katahimikan.

"Ha?" was the only thing you said.

I wanted to disappear and just hide forever, pero sinaniban ata ako ng lakas ng loob noong araw na 'yon.

"Ikaw. Bakit? Bawal?"

_ Iba rin pala kapag pasmado bibig! _

_ Soons ano ba! _

_ Smooth din ni kuya Shua doon in fairness _ .

"Anong ako?" sobrang lost ka talaga Han, kahit ako natatawa.

_ Sorry na, love. My brain has difficuty functioning when it comes to you. _

Ngumiti na lang ako at hinawakan kamay mo. “Jeonghan, matagal na kitang gusto.”

_ Kuya Jeonghan, kinikilig! _

_ Pulang-pula tayo d’yan ah. _

_ Kaya mo ‘yan, Jeonghan. _

Ang iingay niyo talaga, palalabasin ko na kayo sige.

“Bakit ako?” Alam mo Han, hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o maiiyak kasi hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag sa’yo kung bakit ikaw. What I could only do was hold your hand and look at the soccer field in front of us.

You said nothing, but you put your head on my shoulder, somehow bringing comfortable silence with you. I knew at that moment that I didn’t need to say anything else. I knew, but you said it anyway.

"I like you too, Josh."

That’s how it all started with us, romantically.

Three wonderful months passed by, and I remember them being the happiest moments of my life. We became official by Valentine's Day, with the help of all our friends. Sobrang cheesy pero that was one of the best days of my life. Our parents knew about us and were very supportive. Our friends were all the more encouraging. I couldn’t ask for anything better, Han. I couldn't, because I already had the best. Ikaw at ako. Tanggap, buo, at nagmamahalan.

Fate had a different plan, though. She wanted me to take a detour for a while.

_ Hala wag na 'yang part na 'yan, please. _

_ KUYA SHUA NO STOP! _

_ Hey. That's part of their story. Let him tell it. _

_ But Kuya Hao– _

_ Shh! _

My friends hate this part of the story, and frankly, so did I for the past few years.

I was offered a scholarship at Harvard for Psychology. I did think of applying just to avoid the fear of missing out, but never in a million years did I ever imagine I would get accepted. Nalaman ko, May na. I didn’t have the heart to tell you that I would be leaving because I wanted to stay. I wanted nothing more than to stay here with you, with our friends, with my family. Han, ayokong umalis noon.

Kaso pinilit mo ako.

You found out through Cheol, who was the only one who knew. You went to my house and started yelling at me. Galit na galit ka kasi sabi mo, tinatapon ko kinabukasan ko para sa isang relasyon.

Han, that wasn't just a simple puppy love relationship for me. It was something I envisioned to be long-term. I wanted it to be the end game. Maaga pa para sabihin, pero hulog na hulog na ako sa'yo no'n, at binubuo ko na yung pangarap kong kasama ka, Han.

Pero tama ka, bata pa tayo.

"Josh, kailangan mo umalis," umiiyak ka pa habang sinasabi mo 'yon. Hindi ko na rin mapigilan kasi umiiyak ka na sa harap ko.

"Han, I can study here. I got into all the schools I applied to. I can stay," I told you while clutching the pillow I was holding.

Umiling ka. "Harvard 'yon, Josh. I don't want to stand in the way of your dream."

I shook my head adamantly. "What's the use of dreaming to go to Harvard if I leave you behind?"

Tumahimik ka sandali, at natakot ako. Alam ko na kung ano yung tumatakbo sa utak mo. Nagdadasal na ako na hindi mo bitawan ang mga salitang wawasak sa puso ko, pero expected na.

"Josh, mas mabuti ata na maghiwalay na tayo."

Kaya after so many hours of crying and whispers of "it's okay", we broke up. And I left.

~•~•~•~•~•~

Sometimes it's the one that got away. Katy Perry described it accurately–someone who's similar to being your greatest love, but you didn't work out when you were together for whatever reason Fate spun for you.

Since I left for the US, I considered you the one that got away.

Hindi ako nagkaroon ng significant other while I was away. I focused on college. I aced my classes and graduated Magna Cum Laude. Nakikita ko rin na ang dami niyo ring nagagawa sa Pilipinas. Si Han, grumaduate na Magna Cum Laude. Sina Ji at Won, Cum Laude. Lahat kayo on time. Sobrang nakakaproud makita na lahat kayo nagsusucceed.

_ Hala kuya Josh.. _

_ Love, walang iiyak! Daya mo naman. _

_ IIYAK NA YAN. IIYAK NA YAN! Aray, Ji! _

Sorry. Iyakin talaga ako.

Nag-enjoy naman ako sa US, don't worry. Nagdiretso MA in Clinical Psychology na ako, so halos six years akong wala sa Pilipinas. Subsob sa acads and work at the same time. I became a behavior therapist while studying. Busy, pero I was okay.

Si Cheol lang lagi kong kausap, sunod si Jihoon. Lagi naman ako kinukulit nina Soon, kaya nakakausap ko rin. For six years though, wala akong gaanong balita tungkol kay Han.

We both tried to make the long distance friendship work, pero eventually we both just stopped trying. After the first semester of our first year, naging sporadic na lang pag-uusap namin, until hindi na kami nag-uusap at all. Ang lungkot lang din kasi we both tried naman, pero I don't know what happened. I guess, it was too painful for both of us to continue being friends when we both know we could have been more? I don't really have the logic worked out in my head, but you get the picture, right? Three months man lang kami naging...well, kami, pero it meant more than anything.

One day, I got a call that my father died.

I remember finishing my defense for my Master's thesis. Itetext ko dapat si Mama na pumasa ako, na makukuha ko na MA ko. Ang bungad ng Viber room though was my mom begging me to answer the phone.

Inatake daw si Papa sa puso.

Nagmakaawa paulit-ulit si Mama kung pwede ako umuwi. Naturally, I went home. I came back. I couldn't let my mom go through the pain of losing my dad alone. Pumayag ang university na hindi ako magmartsa that year. Bumalik na lang ako sa US the following commencement exercise para magmartsa.

Sa lamay ni Papa kita ulit nakita.

Six long years, Han.

Hindi ko akalain na pupunta ka. Ni hindi ko nga alam na alam niyo pala yung nangyari kay Papa.

_ Si Ji nagsabi samin, nakasalubong daw si Tita sa grocery. _

Thanks, Jihoon.

I saw you all after six years, it felt like nothing changed. Syempre there were developments na kinagulat ko rin. A lot of you had girlfriends, Vern and Kwan got together, Cheol got married, everyone was successful in their chosen careers. It felt weird that we were catching up during my father's wake, though. Buti na lang Mama was very understanding.

There was a point during that night na naiwan tayong dalawa sa hallway. I honestly was scared kasi hindi ko alam gagawin ko. Hindi tayo nag-usap for God knows how long, but the effect you have on me was still the same.

"Sorry."

Napalingon ako sa'yo kasi bigla ka lang nagsalita. And of all things to say, I never thought you would apologize.

"For what, Han?"

"For giving up on us."

_ Hala, pinaiyak niyo si kuya Han! _

_ Huy kuya Han tahan na! _

_ Jeonghan, ang pangit ng iyak. Tama na. _

_ Si kuya Josh din umiiyak na! _

_ Sorry po sa lahat ng bisita, medyo sad po talaga itong part ng kwento, baka pwede natin sila bigyan ng 5 minutes? _

No, Vern, I'm fine.

_ You're both obviously not fine, kuya Josh. _

No, it's okay. Syempre this is a difficult part to tell, but it's vital to the story. And despite what happened, Han and I made it through. Just give me a minute to compose myself.

_ Kuya Jeonghan, tahan na. Kayong dalawa talaga. _

Okay, game na.

So obviously, umiyak ako.

Oo, sige, tawa pa.

I cried. For some weird reason, I couldn't get it together. Nagpatong na ata lahat, hindi ko na kinaya. Hindi ko na kailangan magsalita, niyakap na lang ako ni Jeonghan. Naramdaman ko rin ang pagtulo ng mga luha niya sa likod ko. Parang tumigil ang mundo panandalian, para lang madama ko muli ang pagmamahal ko para kay Jeonghan. Ang pagmamahal na hindi naman nawala.

"Joshuji…"

"Bakit, Han?" tanong ko.

"May… May boyfriend na ako."

_ ARAY! _

_ Kawawang kuya. _

_ Grabe kayo sa'kin, mabait naman yung ex ko. _

Oh, itutuloy ko na ha.

I never left Manila after my father died.

I had Harvard mail my diploma. I only went back just for a week to attend the graduation, but I went back immediately.

Oh, wag na kayo umiyak. Ano ba 'yan.

_ AYAW KASI NAMIN 'TONG PART NA 'TO! _

_ Kalma, Soons. _

_ Bakit ba kasi… _

OA niyo ha.

Wala pong pagcheat na naganap, OA lang po mga kaibigan namin.

Emotional cheating?

That's another thing altogether. But that also didn't happen with us.

So nagstay na ako permanently with my mom. I quit my job, moved here to teach. I originally planned to get my doctorate here, pero baka in the next few years na lang. I liked being a professor already. I liked teaching, I liked doing research. I had fun.

Syempre I reconnected with my friends.

_ Yiie mahal mo talaga kami kuya Josh. _

Oo na sige na, mahal ko na rin kayo.

We went out more often. They made me feel like I never left. I even met their girlfriends, Cheol's wife, and even Han's boyfriend at the time.

I learned to move on and give up on Jeonghan. I was never the type na mang-aagaw ng significant other. Mukha namang masaya si Han, and deserve niya maging masaya. If anything, I can only be happy for him. And I genuinely was.

Lumipas ang mga buwan, everything felt normal, but something was off. Hindi ko maipaliwanag, pero it felt different for quite a time. Parang nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin bigla. Nag-iba ang ikot ng mundo.

Nakatanggap ako ng text mula kay Cheol.

Break na daw si Han tsaka yung boyfriend niya.

Nagkita-kita kaming lahat para i-console si Han. Boyfriend daw niya ang nakipaghiwalay, pero mutual yung ending. Hindi naman daw siya nasaktan, pero ayaw daw niya muna mag-isa. Uminom kami sa condo ni Won. Chill lang naman.

Nang lumalim ang gabi, umamin si Jeonghan.

"2 months na kaming break."

Gulat na gulat si Soonyoung, kahit si Kwan. Yung iba, nakikinig lang.

_ Eh ikaw, kuya? _

Tulala.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit tinago ni Jeonghan nang sobrang tagal. Di naman namin siya aawayin o kung ano man kung sabihin niya agad.

Nagpaliwanag naman siya, pero kaming dalawa na lang 'yon.

"Mutual yung break up. Hindi lang kami masaya."

Tapos sabi ko, "Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa amin?"

Ngumiti siya. "Kinailangan kong maging okay on my own. Kailangan ko ulit buuin sarili ko. Para maging handa na mahalin ka ulit."

_ BOOM! _

_ Mga linyahan ni kuya Han talaga! _

_ Yiie, kilig na kilig si kuya Josh! _

_ Kalma niyo lang, nahihiya na silang dalawa. _

Ako naman yung walang masabi kundi "Ha?"

Nginitian lang ako ni Jeonghan. "Josh, it's always been you, but when I figured you won't be coming back, I had to move on. I really did love him, pero before you even came back, we were already having problems. He broke up with me, pero I was okay with it. Wala ka namang kinalaman sa break up, we just really weren't happy."

"Sure ka ba sa sinasabi mo?"

"Let's try again, Josh. Hanggang dulo na. Let's have that end game you wanted six years ago."

Paano ako hihindi when that was all that I wanted too?

~•~•~•~•~•~

They say it could be your first love. The one who started it all. Yung taong unang nagpaliwanag sa'yo kung ano nga ba ang pagmamahal. Ang taong unang nagpatibok ng puso mo.

Cheesy, but it's true.

You're my first love, Jeonghan Yoon.

You're also the second, third, fourth, and the last one.

You've manifested different forms of love in my life, and honestly, I'm just grateful to Fate for letting our paths cross and intertwine. It was difficult, but three years with you were worth it to get to this point.

Thank you for saying yes.

Thank you for marrying me.

_ Iiyak na sila! _

_ Itong dalawang 'to talaga. _

Jeonghan, araw-araw, ikaw pa rin pipiliin ko. Ikaw pa rin ang mamahalin. Ikaw pa rin ang nais makasama, makayakap, mahagkan. Before, I unconsciously chose you, until I was made aware of those feelings that were buried deep down.

Now, I'm actively choosing you. Every day.

Hindi tayo perpekto, hindi naging madali, but I don't need to understand what happened. I just need to be grateful.

I love you, Jeonghan Yoon. Thank you for letting me choose you.

_ Thank you for letting me choose you, too, Joshua Hong. Wala nang iwanan, ha? _

Wala na, Han.

Ikaw ang pipiliin, araw-araw.

**Author's Note:**

> Hulaan niyo sino ex ni Jeonghan. 😬
> 
> Also, sorry if the ending seemed rushed, because it was.
> 
> Please leave comments.


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